No need trying to find your daily horoscope in your newspaper or on the Internet every day of your life. Use the Universal Horoscope below. You’ll be glad you did.
Is Today Your Birthday?
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday Dear Stargazer!
Happy Birthday to You!
Your days will be long and fruitful. Just everybody loves your pants off and wants to be around you. Use this to your advantage by making business deals and getting discounts on used cars. Today will be a happy one for you because you were born on this very day.
ARIES The Ram, March 21 to April 20: You like to get out there with the boys, tramping through the woods, quickly understanding the flora and the fauna, making quick-witted remarks about tree fungus, jumping up and down with joy when you see a porcupine. You take unnecessary risk and get angry when your fellow traveler looks at you like you’re nuts. You like to jump too-wide creeks. Beware of your powers and don’t step in the deer poop. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aries.htm.
TAURUS The Bull, April 21 to May 21: You like to sit under the Yum Yum tree waiting for the world to bring you what you need. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t know you are there. Get up, grab that stranger, and show your loving persistent self. Hide that piece of cake under the sofa pillow until your guest leaves so you can eat it all by yourself. Don’t call your mother and tell her that you love her even if it has been 17 years since you last saw her. Keep her stewing a bit longer. Every day turn your head the other way when you walk past her house. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/taurus.htm.
GEMINI The Twins, May 22 to June 21: Don’t miss that party tonight. No party? Well, get on the telephone and invite the whole town. Get a band and show your youthful eloquent self. Now don’t go off in the corner and say you can’t do this on such short notice. And, damn, get rid of that new wig. It’s not helping your appearance. Something special is going to happen tonight. Don’t you want to know what it is? It will happen at the party (if you invite me). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm.
CANCER The Crab, June 22 to July 22: It’s over! You’ve got to let go. Let up on your conscious tomorrow. That deal is there for your taking. But don’t let the buggers grind you down. A night on the town with your partner is appropriate tomorrow night. You will have something to celebrate. Let go of my coat. No crying! Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/cancer.htm.
LEO The Lion, July 23 to August 22:It’s time to expand those grandiose plans. Don’t forget China. Stick your nose into your friends business. See if you can’t come up with something for yourself. I know how you’ve been looking at you-know-who. Let yourself go. President Bush is not an idiot. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/leo.htm.
VIRGO The Virgin, August 23 to September 23: You don’t have to dust after your spouse has already dusted. I know your partner has a mole on the neck. It doesn’t matter. Take a walk in the park today and don’t over analyze the squirrels. They do what they do. I’m sorry that Reagan’s son is a Democrat. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/virgo.htm.
LIBRA The Scales, September 24 to October 23: Easy on the Butter Brickle Ice Cream; you must watch your figure or you won’t get to first base with “Dimple Cheeks.” Today would be a good day to take a stroll through the county history museum. Offer to volunteer if they will pay you a good hourly wage. I’m telling you again; the tooth fairy doesn’t come when you’re over 12 years of age. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/libra.htm.
SCORPIO The Scorpion, October 24 to November 22: Remember your childhood dream for success? Now is the time to move full speed ahead. For gosh sakes don’t tell anybody about it until you are sure your dream will come true. You don’t want those slime balls stealing your idea do you? I know how you can get even with Harry; put catsup on his hotdog. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/scorpio.htm.
SAGGITARIUS The Archer, November 23 to December 21: How are you coming on your dissertation on the Red-bellied Green Tree frogs of Korea? No, I don’t think you will be able to convert it to a novel, but knowing you, you will. Stop calling your sister, El Elefante. You know how that hurts her-or do you? When you recover, don’t use your homemade pole for pole vaulting again. Next time you might find that pole sticking out your back (just a joke). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/sagittar.htm.
CAPRICORN The Goat, December 22 to January 20: Entropy isn’t everything. Come out of it. I heard that one, pretty funny. You’ve found seven new ways to solve Rubik’s Cube? You’re working on a new one? I’ll drop by later. It’s time to go to http://www.astrology-online.com/capricrn.htm.
AQUARIUS The Water Carrier, January 21 to February 19: What’s that you’re working on; a soft-boiled egg de-sheller? Interesting! No more yellow fingers. My mother is fine. She’s your mother too. Why don’t you call her? Yes, I gave to the Salvation Army. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aquarius.htm.
PISCES The Fishes, February 20 to March 20: You can come out from behind the couch now. I want you to go to Newark with me today; now put on your cinnamon outfit with your orange baseball hat and hiking shoes. That’s the way! You gave your toothbrush to a vagrant? Well, use your finger. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm.
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